In the buildup to divorce, your focus was likely on getting to the other side with your parental and financial rights intact. Now your divorce is finalized, and suddenly, you and your ex are thrown into the unfamiliar role of co-parenting. By learning the ropes and finding your co-parenting groove, you’ll be more than ready to co-parent effectively.
If you have questions or concerns about your child custody arrangements, are just starting the divorce process, or think you may need a post-decree modification, you need the professional legal guidance of an experienced Round Rock divorce attorney on your side.
There’s No How-To Manual
It’s important to acknowledge right out of the gate there is no tried-and-true how-to manual out there that is going to take you by the hand and walk you through the process of becoming the best co-parent you can be. You likely felt the same way when you had children, and you got the hang of that very quickly.
Co-parenting after divorce, however, is a bit trickier because you and your ex may not be on the best terms and cooperating with one another may seem like it’s going to require a herculean effort.
This isn’t something you need to worry about right off the bat. Begin wherever you are and keep in mind that there is plenty of room for improvement as you proceed. Something you should think about that helps many former couples become better co-parents is that you both share the same goal, and that is supporting your children to the best of your abilities.
When you allow this to guide you, you can rest assured that you’re moving in the right direction.
You’re Going to Get a Lot of Unsolicited Advice
When you find yourself in the seemingly uncharted territory of co-parenting with your ex, you should brace yourself to receive a lot of well-meaning advice from a lot of well-meaning people. The bottom line, however, is that the child custody portion of your divorce decree is legally binding, which means that you and your ex are required to follow the instructions included.
This makes spending some time getting to know your parenting time schedule and related arrangements critical. Your capable divorce attorney can help you with any questions or concerns you have, which you are well advised to address sooner rather than later.
Your job is doing whatever serves your children’s best interests in the context of the requirements established for you by the court.
How Child Custody Works in Texas
Understanding how child custody works in Texas can make effective co-parenting more accessible. The State of Texas divides child custody into legal and physical custody, and each is determined in relation to the children’s best interests.
Texas begins with the presumption that children are better off when each of their parents takes an active role in decision-making on their behalf and when each of their parents spends a considerable amount of parenting time with them.
Legal Custody
When you and your ex were married, you made primary decisions together about your children’s upbringing on a regular basis and probably didn’t overthink the process. Now that you are co-parenting, however, this decision-making process can feel very different, and you may need to give it a bit of time before it starts to feel natural again.
The kinds of decisions addressed by legal custody include all the following:
Decisions about your children’s healthcare needs
Decisions about your children’s schooling and daycare
Decisions about your children’s participation in extracurricular activities and travel
Decisions about your children’s religious upbringing
You and your ex may continue making these decisions together the way you did while you were married, but one of you may have the authority to make a tie-breaking decision if your mutual efforts to reach a consensus fail. Another possibility is dividing these decisions between you according to category.
It should also be noted that everyday decisions that arise out of the blue and around the clock are the responsibility of the parent who is with the children at the time. Finally, in an emergency situation, the parent who is most readily available will be called upon to make any necessary decisions.
Physical Custody
Physical custody determines when your children will be with you and when they’ll be with their other parent. While one of you may take on the primary custodial role, the other can generally expect a generous parenting time schedule.
The bulk of successful co-parenting is getting the hang of the parenting time schedule you’re working with, nailing the drop-off and pickup times, figuring out the scheduling irregularities, and having a plan in place for when something inevitably goes wrong, such as any of the following:
One of the children is sick.
One of you – the parents – is sick.
School is called off unexpectedly.
One of you – the parents – has something unexpected come up at work.
One of you – the parents – has to travel out of town unexpectedly.
There are any number of situations in which a contingency plan may need to be used, and the more effort you put into the matter ahead of time, the better prepared you’ll be when a problem arises.
Find an Effective Way to Communicate with Your Ex
Divorce is incredibly stressful – even under the best circumstances – and it’s not unusual for newly divorced couples to have difficulty communicating with one another. Maybe you’re giving each other the silent treatment, maybe every interaction turns into a shouting match, or maybe you’re somewhere in between.
In the end, however, you and your ex will need to find a way to communicate effectively with one another. If you’re not at the point where you can speak to one another civilly either in person or on the phone, turning to some form of electronic communication is likely the answer.
Texting or writing emails can help take the edge off, and there are parenting apps out there that coordinate schedules and offer in-app messaging, which can help you keep everything conveniently organized in one place.
Don’t Obsess over the Little Things
When it comes to parenting – whether as a couple or as co-parents – there is plenty to worry about, and this aspect of parenting never seems to let up. In other words, there is no way to get it perfect – and you no doubt remember this from when you were parenting together as a team. Expecting perfection in terms of co-parenting sets you both up for failure.
As long as you’re both putting genuine effort into getting it right, there’s no need to obsess over minor issues like being a few minutes early or late here or there or forgetting to abide by every single detail of the parenting time order on the odd occasion.
You’ll both get better at this as time goes by, and as long as your children are with one or the other of you at all times – other than when they are at school or at a scheduled event – you’re hitting your marks.
Finding a rhythm that works for both of you as co-parents will make the process less challenging and will make things easier on your children, which can be very motivating.
Engage in Thoughtful Communication
Although you and your ex may be communicating solely through electronic means, that doesn’t mean you should forego the niceties. Texting back and forth creates a hard copy of your communications, and if you let your emotions run away with you, this communication could come back to haunt you if a problem arises that needs to be addressed in court.
Additionally, your goal is successful co-parenting, and if you can’t be polite and respectful in text form, you’re undermining your own co-parenting efforts. While you can’t control how your ex behaves or how they correspond with you, you can control your own efforts, and using restraint can really pay off.
Pay Attention
While the ultimate goal is that both of you become excellent co-parents – and go on to write that elusive how-to manual that everyone is waiting for – it’s also important to pay attention to what your ex is up to.
A tool that can be very effective and very important in this context is jotting down when and where your ex picks up and drops off your shared children and including anything that strikes you as noteworthy at the same time. Simply writing these notes in the calendar on your phone will suffice, and it makes keeping track of your co-parenting transactions surprisingly easy.
If you start to notice a pattern, your notes will confirm your suspicions, and if there’s a problem, you’ll have the evidence you need to back up your claim. For example, if your ex has more parenting time than they can successfully handle, you may need to seek a modification, and if this happens, you’ll be glad you took notes.
Be Careful What You Share and Who You Share It With
You’ve just been through one of life’s most difficult transitions, and you have every right to vent, but you shouldn’t do so indiscriminately.
Trusted family members and close friends, counselors, clergy members at your house of worship, or a divorce support group are all great options, but sharing information about your divorce – and your ex specifically – with anyone you happen to run into or posting about it online is a bad idea.
While people are very receptive to gossip, the information tends to get twisted, and in the process, it could damage your credibility or even come back in a way that harms your children emotionally.
Do what you need to do to take care of your own mental health but take the high road rather than spreading gossip about your ex. Doing so reflects well on you and demonstrates your commitment to your children’s happiness and well-being.
Think Before You React
Your ex may try every tactic in the book to get a rise out of you, and there are plenty out there to choose from. Make it your practice, however, to think before you react.
If the situation is so outrageous that the only way to move on is by one-upping your ex, take a step back, and remind yourself that you can address the issue in a carefully worded electronic message that you write when you’re feeling calmer.
These kinds of episodes tend to escalate, and you may say or do something that you live to regret, which will not serve you well if you do end up in court about a post-divorce modification.
Remember That Your Ex Is Your Children’s Other Parent
One last piece of advice that can help in nearly every co-parenting situation is to remember that your ex is your children’s other parent and that your children love and need them in their lives. This may give you the boost you need to keep your cool and even have empathy for your ex if they’re really going through something.
Your ex may not be ready to do the same for you, but you shouldn’t let that stop you. This is an excellent opportunity to model kindness and compassion for your children, and it could help you and your ex bridge some of the distance between you, which is always in your children’s best interests.
Turn to an Experienced Round Rock Divorce Attorney for the Help You’re Looking For
Brett Pritchard at The Law Office of Brett H. Pritchard is a trusted Round Rock divorce attorney who will leave no stone unturned in his focused efforts to help you become the best co-parent you can be – while ensuring that your parental and financial rights are well protected.
Learn more about what we can do to help you by contacting or calling us at 254-781-4222 and scheduling a free consultation today.