In Texas – as in other states throughout the nation – courts are guided by the best interests of the involved children when they make child custody determinations. A primary concern is each parent’s commitment to effective co-parenting, which demonstrates their commitment to what’s best for their shared children.
You don’t have to be bosom buddies with your ex to make a great co-parenting team, and the better you are able to demonstrate that you are motivated to co-parent well, the better protected your parental rights and your children’s health and happiness will be. If you are facing a child custody case, it’s time to consult with an experienced Round Rock child custody attorney.
Your Children’s Best Interests
As mentioned, Texas courts turn to the children’s best interests when making child custody decisions, and best interest factors like the following guide their work:
The children’s physical, educational, and emotional needs, including any special needs
Each parent’s ability to address these needs
The level of involvement each parent has had in terms of raising the children to date
The depth of each parent’s relationship with the children
The degree to which each parent is committed to effective co-parenting, which includes supporting the other’s close and ongoing relationship with the children
The preferences of those children who are deemed mature enough to participate
How well your children’s current living situation serves their needs, which is referred to as the status quo
The stronger your co-parenting skills, the better you will align with the best interests factors that Texas turns to when making child custody orders.
Co-Parenting Defined
Co-parenting refers to the active role both you and your children’s other parent play in raising them post-divorce. This includes making primary parenting decisions together through consensus and simply working together in order to provide your children with a rich, rewarding, and loving upbringing.
The more hotly contested your divorce is, the more challenging effective co-parenting can be. Regardless of the state of you and your ex’s relationship, however, there are steps you can take to be better co-parents.
And even if your ex refuses to participate in the process, there are things you can do to hone your own co-parenting skills, which will benefit your children and are, therefore, worth the effort.
Effective co-parenting has all of the following to recommend it:
It helps to ensure that your children maintain a healthy relationship with both of you, which – barring a serious reason for other arrangements – supports your children’s emotional health.
It helps your children resolve their separation anxiety – related to spending time with each parent separately.
It helps children recognize that even major differences can be resolved with effort, which can help them learn to solve their own problems more effectively.
It supports your children’s ability to grow into confident, emotionally stable adults.
Co-Parenting Tips That Can Help
There are a range of tips that can help you become a more effective co-parent, and the more effort you put in, the greater the rewards.
Put Your Children’s Well-Being above Any Animosity You Have toward Your Ex
If you allow your care, concern, and love for your children to guide your parenting, it sets the stage for becoming the best co-parent you can be. Even if your divorce was exceptionally friendly, you no doubt have some lingering resentment towards your ex, and if your divorce was downright hostile, you likely have considerably more resentment.
If you can separate these feelings, which are valid in and of themselves, from your parenting efforts, it is an important step toward honing your co-parenting skills.
There is a time and a place to address your issues with your ex, and much of your progress in this arena will likely be achieved through the passage of time. Regardless of where you and your ex are in terms of your relationship, however, you can still engage in effective co-parenting by simply separating the issues and prioritizing your children’s well-being – every time.
Even if your ex isn’t quite there yet, your own efforts demonstrate that progress can be made and could inspire them to dig deeper.
The bottom line is that your children have lost the safety and comfort of their home, and they have absolutely no control over their experience. To make matters more difficult, children have fewer coping mechanisms for dealing with serious anxiety than adults do, which can lead to internalization and increased pain.
Anything that you and your ex can do to help minimize the challenges your shared children face is worth doing.
Begin by Establishing a Clear Means of Communicating with Your Ex
To be effective co-parents, you and your ex will need to communicate with one another, and using your children as go-betweens is neither effective nor fair to them.
If you have yet to reach the point where you can speak to one another civilly when face-to-face or on the phone, texting and other forms of electronic messaging can take the edge off while still supplying you with a reliable means of communication.
There are also highly effective co-parenting apps that allow parents to coordinate their own busy schedules with those of their children and to message one another about scheduling issues.
The best co-parents focus on efficiency and effectiveness rather than perfection. In other words, find a system that works for you and stick with it. Over time, you will work out the kinks, and don’t be surprised if you and your ex also find that communicating with one another openly becomes less and less challenging.
Remember that Children Crave Consistency
The State of Texas takes the status quo and how well it serves children’s needs into careful consideration when making child custody decisions because they recognize how important consistency is in their lives – especially when they are living through a disruptive divorce. With this in mind, do what you can to build structure and consistency into your children’s schedule.
An important element of this is ensuring all the following:
That your children know their schedule with each of you and that the schedule is predictable
That your children know who will be picking them up and who will be dropping them off
That your children know what to expect in the course of each day
The more predictable your children’s lives are, the more comfortable they will be adjusting to the inevitable changes they face as a result of divorce.
Part of this involves you and your ex synching your expectations regarding your children and coordinating your house rules somewhat. While your homes needn’t mirror one another, a huge lifestyle gap can leave your children feeling unmoored.
For example, if one of you sets a strict bedtime while the other imposes no limits, your children can experience increased anxiety. Striking the same tone is generally the goal – rather than attempting to duplicate every expectation in each home.
Matters that you and your ex should discuss and reach a consensus regarding include each of the following:
Bedtime goals
Academic expectations
Activities that are either off-limits or are limited, such as screen time
Curfews
Discipline generally
Focus on Your Children’s Best Interests
It is difficult to know how your children are going to react to your divorce until you put the matter to the test. Your children’s emotional health and well-being in the face of an upset this serious is not a one-and-done concern. You should remain carefully attuned to their needs and should continue to make decisions that are based on their best interests moving forward.
As difficult as divorce is for you, you should know that it is even harder on your children. Some of the signs that a child may need more support, such as more one-on-one time with you, professional counseling, or both, including all the following:
If their grades start slipping, or they start getting in trouble at school
If they become less social or begin to turn inward
If their friendships suffer
If they have trouble sleeping or they lose their appetite
If they seem more anxious or show signs of depression
If they no longer enjoy the activities they once did
A key element of fostering your children’s emotional health and well-being is authentically supporting their relationship with their other parent. Even if you don’t badmouth your ex openly, your children can read between the lines.
The bottom line is that your children should not feel like they need to choose between the two of you—on any level—and anything you can do to relieve them of this burden will benefit them.
Make the Transition between Homes as Seamless as Possible
If going back and forth between your home and your children’s other parent’s home is a constant ordeal, it’s not helping to make the transition from a one-family home to two single-parent homes any easier. There are things that you can do to make the process less clunky, and in the process, bolster how well your children adjust, including:
Choose a time that is convenient for everyone when handing the kids off to one another.
Keep the parenting time schedule as consistent as possible.
To the degree possible, ensure that each child has their own space in each home.
Outfit each home with the basics so your children don’t need to pack up everything they own in order to move back and forth between homes. The less they have to carry with them and keep track of, the better.
When you are leaving your children with their other parent, let them know when you’ll see them next – and vice-versa when you’re picking your children up.
While schedules that allow your children to spend longer periods of time with each of you may work well for older children, younger children generally adapt more easily when they have shorter, more consistent visits.
A final note here is that, while some families find it very convenient to coordinate drop-offs and pickup times with dropping kids off at school and picking them up from school, some children find this jarring.
It also requires children to carry all the things they need with them, which can be a lot of extra hassle. In the end, every family needs to find the system that works best for them, but this is something to consider.
Think of Your Ex as a Team Member
While your marriage to your ex didn’t work out, you did manage to have beautiful children together that you both adore, which is quite an accomplishment.
You may not have reached the point where you’re ready to embrace your ex as a guest in your home, but it can help to think of them as valued team members. Parenting is challenging in the best of times, and co-parenting is that much more so.
Every step the two of you make in the right direction is a success that should be acknowledged. If you’re both doing what you can to make your divorce as easy on your children as possible and to foster their health and well-being moving forward, you should consider yourselves ahead of the game and continue to build on the progress you’ve already made.
An Experienced Round Rock Divorce Attorney Can Help
Brett Pritchard at The Law Office of Brett H. Pritchard is an accomplished Round Rock child custody attorney who goes the extra mile for all his clients and harnesses the impressive force of his experience and legal skill to pursue favorable resolutions for every case he handles. If you’re facing a child custody concern, our practiced legal team is standing by to help.
Your case is important to you and your children, so please don’t hesitate to contact or call us at 254-781-4222 to schedule a free consultation and learn more about what we can do for you today.