When you married, you meant for it to last. If you’ve come to the difficult decision that your marriage isn’t working and that you need a divorce, you’ve already done some serious soul-searching. If you haven’t shared your decision with your husband, however, there’s more work to be done, and you may not know the best way to go about telling him.
While your situation is unique to you and your husband, several helpful hints can help set the stage for a less stressful and more streamlined divorce conversation. One of the most important steps that anyone facing a divorce can take early in the process is consulting with an experienced Round Rock divorce attorney.
Make Sure Divorce Is the Answer
The fact that you’re not blissfully happy with your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean that you need a divorce. In fact, you may just be frustrated with your job, or some recent life problems may be weighing heavily on you. Maybe your relationship with your husband isn’t everything it could be, but some counseling or heart-to-hearts may help.
If you’re heading straight to the divorce conversation because you want your husband to pay more attention to your marriage, you’re playing with fire. If your marriage needs work, that’s a different conversation than telling your husband you want a divorce, and you shouldn’t allow the two to become confused.
If your mind is made up, you shouldn’t give your spouse false hope. This is not to say that you can’t change your mind at some other time – which is always your prerogative – but you should be as honest with your husband as you can from the start.
Do Your Homework
While it’s generally not a great idea to spring divorce papers on your spouse out of the blue, this doesn’t mean you should hold off on discussing your case with a dedicated divorce attorney. Doing so can help you get a better handle on what divorce is likely to mean for you regarding divorce basics, including the following primary terms of divorce:
Child custody arrangements, including parenting time
Consulting with a divorce attorney early on also allows you to gather the financial documentation and information you’ll need to keep your divorce moving steadily forward.
There is no way to predict exactly how your husband will react to the news you’re about to share.
While you’re going to do everything you can to keep your divorce amicable, there’s no guarantee that your spouse won’t do everything in their power to make things as difficult as possible – out of pain and grief, retaliation or spite, or for any other reason. Taking the time to gather the documentation you need early on can save you considerable trouble in the future.
Have a Plan
You’ve decided that divorce is right for you, but your husband may have no idea about your intentions. This puts you in the challenging position of needing to share your intentions without setting the stage for an all-out war. Many people feel attacked when the topic of divorce is thrust upon them, and it can leave you vulnerable to a more contentious legal process.
Having a plan in place can save you a lot of turmoil and help ensure that your divorce proceeds smoothly. In other words, simply having your husband served with divorce papers without discussing the matter first is not likely to serve your best interests—unless you’re in a highly unique situation in which taking such a drastic measure is called for.
Keep in Mind
In the end, you’ll have to determine the best plan for you, and considerations that you’ll want to keep in mind include:
Broaching the subject of divorce when your husband is least likely to feel blindsided is an excellent choice.
Carving out time to have the discussion you need to have when neither of you is in a rush and when neither of you is bombarded with other immediate stressors helps to set the stage for a better conversation.
You’ll want to allow your husband the space and privacy to experience his own feelings, and you’ll want to spare your children the upset involved, which makes having this talk when you have a significant amount of guaranteed alone time is well-advised.
Filing for divorce before broaching the topic with your husband can put him on the defensive and can get things rolling in the wrong direction. Letting your husband know that you plan on filing – rather than that you have already filed – is a less aggressive starting position that can work in your favor.
Watch Your Tone
Even if you and your husband have discussed divorce in the past, it was obviously in theory because—to date—it hasn’t led to divorce. When you definitively tell your husband that you want a divorce, it’s a different matter, and there’s nothing theoretical about it. In other words, you’re dropping a bombshell on your spouse, and it’s definitely going to have an effect.
In response, you’ll want to watch your tone. Divorce is a serious matter that should be treated seriously, but this doesn’t mean you can’t be empathetic and supportive. While there is every chance that you harbor a good deal of resentment and anger of your own, keeping the following in mind when you announce your intention to divorce is good advice:
Don’t beat around the bush. Come to the point as effectively and efficiently as you can.
Adopt an authentic tone, which means sounding like yourself – not like you’re reading a script, not like you’re patronizing your husband, and not like you have a flip attitude.
Be as kind as you can under the circumstances, but remain firm – you’re not there to negotiate or to be talked out of your decision.
Explain your reasons for wanting a divorce and answer your spouse’s questions as truthfully as you can.
Keep in mind that your decision to obtain a divorce wasn’t made in haste and isn’t the result of a happy marriage. You and your husband both know why divorce is imminent, but you’ve got a head start in terms of grappling with the initial rush of emotions, practicalities, and fears – allowing him a reasonable amount of time to catch up can work in both your favors.
Stay Calm
You are planning on telling your husband something that’s very likely going to be hard for him to wrap his head around, and as a result, he may not be as calm as you would like. In this situation, you’ll need to expect the unexpected and be prepared for whatever comes your way in terms of your spouse’s emotions.
Some people shut down in the face of bad news, but others become highly emotional—and still others are unpredictable. In this instance, you’re the one who made the decision to seek a divorce, and you’re the one who is breaking the news, which makes staying calm a good plan. Doing so will help you get your job done and will help your husband get through it.
While staying calm doesn’t mean showing any emotions or remaining dry-eyed, it does mean not resorting to hysterics, anger, or any other over-the-top emotion in the face of the conversation that you’ve set in motion.
Careful What You Say
You naturally don’t want to goad your husband or make statements that are specifically designed to hurt him. You’re not looking for a knock-down-drag-out divorce here, and you don’t want to cause the person you’ve loved for many years and who is the father of your children unnecessary pain.
It’s also important, however, to watch what you say for more practical purposes. While the vast majority of Texas divorces are no-fault, which means that they are based on insupportability – or what you may think of as irreconcilable differences – the state also grants fault-based divorces.
One of the grounds of fault is adultery. Diving into a new relationship before your divorce is finalized in the State of Texas can lead to negative consequences in your divorce terms. This makes bringing up a new romantic partner as your reason for seeking a divorce a terrible idea. To begin, it’s a cruel approach and can set the stage for an especially contentious divorce.
To obtain a divorce that’s based on adultery, your husband will need to prove your wrongdoing, but if you hand him the ammunition he needs, doing so shouldn’t be a problem.
All told it is always in your best interest to hold off on seeing someone new until your divorce is finalized. In the State of Texas, you are married until you’re divorced, which makes having a romantic relationship with someone else while your divorce is pending – even if you’re separated – is problematic.
Give Your Husband Some Time to Absorb the Information
While you took the necessary time to determine that you need a divorce, assess your best options, and come to terms with what comes next, your husband has not. Expecting him to respond to your request immediately by acquiescing to every term you’ve tentatively settled on is unrealistic and unfair.
By giving your spouse the time they need to obtain legal counsel and consider their divorce priorities, you let him know that you are committed to doing this the right way, which may inspire him to do the same.
This does not mean that you should allow your husband to walk all over you or that you should allow him to make whatever demands he feels like making simply because you’re feeling guilty. However, allowing your husband a reasonable amount of time to get his divorce ducks in a row can go a long way toward keeping your divorce on an even keel.
Avoid Blaming Your Husband
Even if your decision to get a divorce is based on your husband’s wrongdoing, now is not the time to dwell on the specifics. Bringing up specific problems can guide your conversation away from divorce and send it in another direction entirely. This is unlikely to resolve the matter at hand, which is beginning the divorce process on the right foot to the degree possible.
A Note about Domestic Violence
It needs to be said that if you are the victim of domestic violence, telling your husband that you want a divorce is a very different matter. Victims of domestic violence are never at greater risk than when they’ve worked up the courage to leave, which makes telling your abusive husband about your plans a bad idea to begin with.
If this is the very dangerous situation you find yourself in, create a plan with an experienced domestic violence professional, and always make you and your children’s safety your number one priority.
An Experienced Round Rock Divorce Attorney Can Help
You’ve made the difficult decision that you need a divorce, and now it’s time to tell your husband. Brett Pritchard at The Law Office of Brett H. Pritchard is a compassionate Round Rock divorce attorney with the experience and legal insight to help you keep your divorce moving smoothly forward – with your financial and parental rights intact.
To learn more, please don’t wait to contact or call us at 254-501-4040 and schedule a free consultation today.