Effective co-parenting is a challenge that parents who are divorced or who are no longer together must navigate for the sake of their children – and to keep up with everything it takes to raise children to adulthood. While you and your ex may each be committed to doing everything in your power to be the best co-parents you can be, this is not always the case.
If your ex has adopted the role of the fun parent, it puts additional pressure on you to incorporate balance for your children, which makes an already challenging situation more so. The good news is that there are steps you can take to help, and consulting with an experienced Round Rock child custody attorney regarding your best options is always advised.
If You Are the Primary Custodial Parent
If your ex has adopted the fun parent persona, it is very likely in reaction to you becoming the primary custodial parent. The parent with the visitation or parenting time schedule often experiences some guilt and frustration over spending less time with the children and may make up for it by turning on the parenting charm.
This often translates to turning visits with the children into exercises in fun and good times rather than focusing on the more mundane aspects of life that children and parents alike must contend with.
If every trip to the fun parent’s house amounts to a mini vacation, it can be a whale of a time for your children, but it can also confuse them and does little to afford them the sense of stability and security they need.
An important point to make here is that your ex may not be aware that they are doing anything out of the ordinary or that it may not be in your kids’ best interests. If their time with your children is limited, making the most of it makes sense, and they may not have given their approach much thought.
Children need and crave stability and consistency, and while having fun is part of this, endless days filled with endless fun is a lot like a steady diet of sweets and treats – while your children may enjoy it to begin with, it is not going to do them much good in the long run.
The Court’s Position
Texas courts base every child custody order on the best interests of the children involved, and their underlying goal is maximizing the amount of time the children spend with each parent – unless there is a serious reason for ordering otherwise. To make physical custody determinations, Texas courts turn to best interest factors like the following:
The children’s needs, and each parent’s ability to effectively address these needs
The children’s ages, evolving developmental stages, and overall mental and physical health
Each parent’s age and overall mental and physical health
The distance the parents live from one another
Each parent’s commitment to co-parenting effectively with the other and to supporting the children’s close and ongoing relationship with the other
Each parent’s involvement in raising the children to this point
The closeness each parent has fostered with the children
How well the children’s current living situation – or the status quo – serve their needs in terms of their homelife, their education, and the community they live in
If you were assigned the role of primary custodial parent, it is very likely because you are better suited to spending the majority of your children’s overnights with them and have probably been more closely involved in raising them to date.
Your Ex’s Position
Even if your children’s other parent understands why you are in the primary parenting role – and even if they agree with the decision based on their own work schedule or other variables – it is not unusual to feel left out to one degree or another. Your ex may not have made a conscious decision to become the good-time parent; instead, they may have simply fallen into the role.
For example, if your ex has a regularly scheduled afternoon/early evening visit with your shared children, their feeling might be that, since there isn’t a lot of time to begin with, they may as well make the most of the few hours they have together – and things can snowball from there.
Your Children’s Needs
Often, overcompensating in this way is due to feelings of guilt, frustration, and helplessness, and keeping this in mind can provide you with the insight you need to help nip the problem in the bud. While having fun with our kids is one of life’s great joys, parenting requires much, much more of us.
Children need consistency, structure, guidance, and boundaries – all of which afford them the security necessary to find their way forward, develop healthy lifestyles, and mature into young adults.
Your children’s other parent may be thinking that all the heavy lifting of parenting is your job – as the primary parent – and that their own task is lightening the mood and making things more fun, but this is a shortsighted approach.
While your ex’s commitment to your children’s enjoyment is commendable, it shouldn’t be at the expense of their emotional well-being. If your ex is all about fun, it can undermine your authority and can interfere with your ability to maintain order in your children’s lives, which can confuse them and leave them vulnerable to increased anxiety.
Put your child's needs first. Consult with a Round Rock child custody attorney to create a fair and balanced custody plan.
Taking Healthy Steps Forward
As promised, there are things you can do to help get your co-parenting back on course – or at least to mitigate the effects of your ex’s full-time focus on fun.
Have a Heart-to-Heart with Your Ex
If you and your ex are able to communicate openly with one another, now is a good time to have a chat. Even if speaking face to face seems like a stretch, this is an important matter that it’s worth digging deep to accomplish.
If you and your children’s other parent, however, simply aren’t there yet – in terms of having meaningful conversations with one another – you can still broach the subject in an email or another form of electronic communication.
Focus on the Underlying Issue
Accusing your former partner of subverting your authority as a parent – as well as their own – is unlikely to get you anywhere. A better approach is acknowledging that you know how much the kids mean to your ex and how much they love the happy vibes he or she is serving.
From here, you can focus on the underlying issue and the importance of presenting a united front to your children, which affords them the structure and boundaries they need.
Finding Common Ground
If your ex is genuinely unaware that they’ve fallen into a practice that doesn’t honor your shared children’s best interests, they are more likely to take your concerns to heart – and to negotiate solutions. If, however, their goal is one-upping you or undermining your parenting, you’ve got more work to do.
Set Clear Parenting Boundaries with Your Children
If your children are receiving mixed messages – from you and their other parent – it’s time to take the matter into your own hands. Parenting is not a competition, and your job as a parent hasn’t changed simply because your ex isn’t committed to effective co-parenting.
As parents, we’re called upon to set firm boundaries for our children, and because your ex isn’t backing these boundaries up, you’ll need to make your position that much clearer to your children.
This doesn’t mean that you need to become an unyielding disciplinarian or that you need to remove all traces of fun from your children’s lives. Instead, you’re called upon to let your children know your expectations and to help them meet the fair standards you set.
It’s also well within your job description as a parent to let your kids know that, while their other parent may not share your expectations, the boundaries you’ve set for them remain in effect. You don’t have to come across as a harsh disciplinarian to make your point, and you should let the fact that you’re doing what’s right for your children guide you.
Focus on Your Own Relationship with Your Children
Ultimately, you have no control over how your ex chooses to parent, which means that, if they are not interested in effective co-parenting, your only option is focusing on your own parenting and your own relationships with your children. Your kids need a parent – not a friend – but this doesn’t mean that you can’t build fun into your daily rituals and your family traditions.
Deep, meaningful relationships are multi-layered, which means that setting clear expectations for your children in the context of a rich and rewarding homelife is paramount – and, if you’re not already well on your way to making this happen, you have the ability to do so.
A home that runs smoothly is a happy home, and adding a dash of fun and whimsy can make a big difference that needn’t derail the structure you’ve worked so hard to establish.
Keep in Mind that There Is Nothing Wrong with Being the Predictable One
While your ex may be a barrel full of laughs and a surprise a minute, you need to focus on what your children really need, and that doesn’t change – structure, stability, and support.
If you’re able to provide your children with these basics, you’re hitting all your parenting marks, and you shouldn’t worry about being labeled as predictable or boring. Your job is being there for your children the way they need you to be there – not being their current favorite.
Take Care of Yourself Along the Way
Parenting is a difficult job, and co-parenting can be more so – especially if you feel like you’re all alone out there. This is where tending to your own physical and emotional health and well-being comes in.
To shoulder the burden of responsible parenting on your own, you need to take care of yourself, which includes getting regular exercise, having healthy outlets that interest and invigorate you – whatever they may be – seeking the support you need from close family members and friends, and enjoying the ride. As many times as you’ve undoubtedly heard it – your kids will be leaving the nest much faster than you can imagine, which makes savoring the here and now advised.
If Your Ex Is Engaging in Parental Alienation
Parents often turn to the good-time-parent role as a means of coping with their own parenting challenges, and it’s not intended to spite the other parent or to win the children over.
Sometimes, however, parents use this fun role as a means of parental alienation, which refers to turning the children against their other parent and is considered a form of emotional abuse in the State of Texas.
If your ex-partner is using fun and games to support a false narrative that they love the kids more than you do, that they’re a better parent than you are, or that the kids are better off living with them, they are entering parental alienation territory.
Using their fun role to establish an us against them mentality is similarly harmful. If you have concerns that your ex’s actions are bordering on parental alienation, you shouldn’t wait to discuss the matter with a compassionate child custody attorney.
An Experienced Round Rock Child Custody Attorney Is Here for You
Brett Pritchard at The Law Office of Brett H. Pritchard is a seasoned Round Rock child custody attorney who appreciates your concerns regarding your children’s other parent and has the legal insight and skill to help you explore your best options and to effect any legal modifications that need to be made.
Because your children’s overall well-being is at stake, we encourage you to contact us or call us at 254-781-4222 to schedule a free consultation to learn more about how we can help you today.