If your spouse is dissatisfied with their life or with your marriage specifically, it can put a lot of pressure on you. The term miserable spouse syndrome was coined to address this uniquely challenging situation, and while it isn’t a term that’s identified in mental health literature, it is something that many people who file for divorce recognize.
If you are experiencing some of the classic signs in your marriage, it could provide you with the insight you need to take action and attempt to turn things around or to take the right steps for you and your children.
If this ultimately leads to divorce or if you are ready to explore what a divorce would mean for you, don’t wait to consult with an experienced Round Rock divorce attorney
The Changing Landscape of Marriage
It used to be that each spouse’s role was well-defined in a marriage. In the past, the wife typically stayed home and tended to the house and children, while the husband was generally the primary breadwinner.
Over the decades, however, these standards have evolved considerably. Not, many husbands and wives share financial and parenting responsibilities equally, and other couples have flipped the script entirely.
While the changing landscape of marriage reflects the evolution of society in general, it can – nonetheless – take a toll on some marriages. If your spouse had different expectations going into marriage or finds that their role in your marriage doesn’t align with their self-image, it can lead to problems that are difficult to overcome.
Men Are Especially Vulnerable
The National Institute of Health (NIH) reports that men are less likely to seek help when they face internal struggles, including those related to societal pressures that clash with their sense of self.
This, combined with men’s perceived hesitancy to express feelings openly, leaves them more vulnerable to dissatisfaction that’s difficult to shake and that can be directed at their marriages.
Economic Pressure
The pandemic sent inflation into overdrive. While the numbers have been coming down in recent months, we’re paying considerably more for the things we need to keep our homes running smoothly than we were prior to 2020, and most of us are feeling the financial pinch.
Financial strain is one of the leading causes of marital strife. If your spouse is the primary breadwinner in your home, it can leave them feeling immense pressure, and if they believe they are coming up short, it can lead to dissatisfaction.
Lack of Work-Life Balance
Balancing marriage, children, family responsibilities, social obligations, and work is a lot in the best of times, and the pressure to strike a perfect balance at all times can be overwhelming. If your spouse is experiencing burnout, it can come across as dissatisfaction in your marriage or home life when a more accurate description is likely disappointment in themself.
A Shift in Gender Roles
In more and more households, both spouses have busy careers, which can lessen financial stress but is a significant shift in traditional gender roles. For those who cling to and derive a sense of purpose from age-old social traditions, it can be more difficult to adapt.
Suppression of Emotions
Some of us are better at expressing our emotions than others, and doing so can relieve pressure, bring things out in the open, and support a healthier emotional state.
If your spouse has difficulty sharing their emotions or tends to completely bottle things up inside them, it can take a real toll on your marriage. In fact, being emotionally closed off is closely associated with challenging relationships.
If you’re feeling the strain of marital dissatisfaction, reach out to a trusted Round Rock divorce attorney for guidance on your next steps
Tell-Tale Signs to Be on the Lookout For
There are certain tell-tale signs that your spouse is going through something that can reasonably be called miserable spouse syndrome, and if you’re dealing with any of these warning signs, it’s important to prioritize your own emotional well-being by seeking the support you need.
Emotional Withdrawal
Marriage is a partnership, and if your partner is pulling away emotionally, it can leave you feeling very lonely and as if the rug’s been pulled out from under you. It’s difficult not to take this kind of about-face personally.
For example, if your spouse was once loving and kind but has taken to withholding that love and keeping their feelings bottled up, they may build a wall that is impossible to clear.
Some spouses respond to their partner’s emotional withdrawal by bending over backward in an attempt to make them happy. While this is an admirable instinct, it can be in such stark contrast to the emotionally withdrawn spouse’s mood that it makes the problem more pronounced.
The bottom line, however, is that your spouse’s emotional withdrawal represents a problem that they’re facing and that only they can resolve – if they choose to do so. Taking responsibility for your spouse’s actions is only going to make things harder for you and is very unlikely to change them.
If your spouse refuses to address the issue, it’s important to recognize that their inability to manage their emotions is harming you and causing havoc in your home, which can directly affect your children.
Avoidance
Many spouses who find themselves in dissatisfaction spirals that they can’t or won’t pull themselves out of turn to avoidance in order to cope. This can translate to throwing themselves into their jobs, hobbies, or both – leaving very little time for you and your shared children.
While avoidance can help in the short term, it amplifies the issue by creating friction in the home, which can drive an even bigger wedge in your relationship.
We all need an occasional break from the constant grind of our responsibilities, but building a fortress of avoidance to mitigate specific responsibilities is harmful. If your spouse has turned to avoidance to cope with their own emotional drama, it leaves you to deal with everything else on your own, which isn’t what a partnership is about.
Further, by icing you out, they remove their emotional support from the equation, which can derail your emotional well-being – while robbing your children of the happy, high-functioning household they deserve.
Withdrawal of Intimacy
Intimacy refers to the feeling of connection and belonging we experience in close relationships. It is one of the primary benefits of marriage. Intimacy helps bolster our strength and resilience.
Because we’re stronger together, it also better prepares us to take on whatever comes our way. If that intimacy you share with your spouse disappears suddenly or over time, it can be especially difficult to reconcile.
We look to our close relationships, including marriage, to help us through the difficult times. When that closeness or intimacy goes away, it can lead to a significant amount of pain and can leave you more vulnerable to life’s challenges, which are far more manageable when faced together.
If your spouse has done everything they possibly can to let you know that the special bond you’ve come to count on is no longer there, it’s a serious blow to your relationship and is an especially cruel tactic. While they are clearly going through something of their own, they’re also an adult who has the resources they need to address their own issues more constructively.
A Wall of Anger
Some people address their own dissatisfaction by lashing out at others in anger, and while it’s an especially selfish coping mechanism, it tends to build upon itself. This means that, if your spouse is using anger in response to their own emotional challenges, it is likely to get worse rather than better.
If minor annoyances that your spouse would have brushed off or even laughed off in the past now send them into angry tirades, you may have a serious problem on your hands.
While your spouse’s anger may be predicated on feelings of inadequacy, work-related stress, a sense of being misunderstood or underappreciated, or a combination of all these, there are better ways to address their concerns. You have your own stressors, and you don’t take them out on your spouse.
Marriage is a partnership that allows those who are willing to participate to work problems like these out together – and to strengthen the relationship in the process. A spouse who is perpetually dissatisfied, however, and who allows this dissatisfaction to come out as anger shuts down the conversation before it begins and weakens the marital bonds.
Risky Behaviors
If your spouse is engaging in newly acquired risky behaviors, it can raise the stakes considerably. This can translate to any of the following:
Abusing alcohol or drugs
Gambling
Having casual sex with strangers
Turning to practices like the above in order to dull the pain can be especially problematic because they can lead to health or even legal consequences that are difficult to put behind you.
Protect yourself and your peace of mind. Reach out to a Round Rock divorce attorney for compassionate legal advice tailored to your needs.
Deteriorating Physical and Emotional Health
While miserable spouse syndrome is often expressed as dissatisfaction with one’s life or marriage, it tends to reflect dissatisfaction with oneself.
Your spouse may find themself living through a never-ending loop of inadequacy or even failure in relation to their role as a spouse and parent. While their actions and moods may feel like an indictment of you, they are almost certain to be an outward manifestation of what they think of themselves.
In fact, your spouse’s deteriorating sense of self-worth not only drives the problem but also compounds it.
Steps You Can Take to Help
It’s important to point out that you are not responsible for what your spouse is going through. As your spouse’s partner, however, you are likely motivated to do everything you can to help, and there are several steps you can take that could make a big difference, including:
Let your spouse know that you recognize the challenges they’re facing and that you want to help. Feeling seen rather than blamed could help your spouse gain the perspective they need to make positive changes.
Incorporate stress management techniques into your home life. For example, taking up yoga together, going for nightly strolls, or trying meditation can go a long way toward bolstering a healthy lifestyle and marriage.
By redirecting your collective focus toward purpose, you could help your spouse turn their vantage point outward rather than inward. For example, reflecting on the importance of family could help shake something loose in your spouse.
Finally, setting more realistic expectations in your household can be especially effective. Having a happy home life doesn’t require perfection. Earning more, keeping a perfectly clean home, and carting your kids to every activity that they can possibly participate in isn’t the key to happiness. The bottom line is that your home life doesn’t have to be perfect to be exceptionally rewarding.
Next Steps
Only you know if the right answer for you is putting even more effort into your marriage or taking a few steps back to reflect. If the work you’re doing is leading to small, consistent improvements, you may have cracked the code. If, however, your efforts aren’t getting you anywhere, divorce may be a consideration.
A trusted Round Rock divorce attorney will help you better understand what divorce is likely to mean for you and will help you explore your best options. While saving your marriage is a worthy pursuit, preserving your emotional well-being is also important, which makes yours a difficult decision that requires your careful attention.
Speak to an Experienced Round Divorce Attorney Today
Brett Pritchard at The Law Office of Brett H. Pritchard is a resourceful Round Rock divorce attorney who has the patience and respect to help you assess your situation and make the right choices for you – whether that means seeking a divorce or giving your marriage another chance.
We have the compassion to help, so please don’t hesitate to contact us or call us at 254-781-4222 to schedule a free consultation and learn more today.